the blaze of you who live wholly.

i am drawn here…
not to see you or you or you,
but to light my fire
at the general blaze of you,
who live wholly,
indivisibly & without caring in the moment.
to light my fire.
V. Woolf The Waves

woah, and again another week is gone.

but eventful for sure, i cant put my finger on the exact moment when i started to feel like part of the family,
maybe it was after our adventure to Enchanted Kingdom (the Filipino version of an outdated Disneyland)
with the teenagers who forced me to ride on the Rio Grande and walk around for five hours with wet clothes, or when we road the “Space Shuttle” and i thought for sure i was going to throw up, pass out or pee in my pants at any given moment.

but they thought it was hilarious.

today has been a long day.

since its monday, i GET to wake up at 4 am to cook breakfast with Nanay Susan.
Today we had to cook 60 pancakes, 60 fried chicken nuggets and 60 slices of fried ham (for breakfast). nanay put me in charge of pancakes, but i have to confess i got my cooking skills from my mom, (sorry mom) so i am not a gourmet cook to say the least, and my cooking skills can be summed up in three items:

1) macoroni and cheese the box kind
2) hot dogs
3) macoroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs. (dont knock it till you try it).

we had to have the pancakes done by 6 am, and by 5:45 i had a grand total of five done.
well nine if you count the unedible ones.

nanay susan took over the pancakes, and i got to fry the ham and the oil kept popping up and hitting me in the face. i actually started to cry i was so frusturated. or maybe it was just the heat of the grease hitting my face that made my eyes water.

when we finished, i went upstairs to lay down for a half an hour before work, and i couldnt sleep b.c. i smelled like fried ham, but i couldnt take a shower because i locked myself out of my bathroom saturday night. and this was all before 7 am.

and again Henri Nouwen comes to my rescue.

“Quite often we will discover that we are
asked to follow our Lord to places we would rather not go, “
(the kitchen, rio del grande and fried ham for me)
but when we have learned to see him in the small displacements
of our daily lives,
the greater call will not seem so great after all.
We then will find the courage to follow him and be amazed by our freedom to do so.”

i miss you.


Finally! I figured out this picture thing, I wanted to post these with my last blog but the computer and i have been fighting. i think i won, at least for now.

dressed up for the United Nations Day at their school…I think they represent Mexico?!
love my bunso!
the smiling eyes.
brown skin/blonde barbies?

im so tired. im so wired.

i have officially been here one month today.. i dont know where the time has gone.

there are moments when i feel suspended in time,
that that minute will never end, or the hour will never pass and ill be stuck in this jeepnie or tricycle for the rest of my life

but then i blink my eyes and its sunday again and i wish i could live the previous week one more time.

but also,

the newness of me has worn off.

there are times here that i feel useless, inadequate and burdensome. there are times when i do feel alone and unneeded.

i have grown close with one of the older girls who is to be adopted soon, she has been severely abused in the past by her male relatives. she writes me notes on a daily basis and slips them under my door sometime during the night, so that when i wake up they are there. sometimes there are two or three notes. each note is filled with so much sadness and hurt that i don’t know if i can respond.

her desire to be loved is so strong that it scares me and makes me back away. in my head im thinking: what if i let her down? what if i cannot provide the friendship she expects from me? what if i dont have the ‘right’ words to comfort her?

she has since stopped talking to me, or looking me in the eye when i ask her how she is, and just generally ignoring me. i might as well be blend in with the wall when i go into her room to say hi.
but still every morning i wake up and there is a note on my bedroom floor and every day i respond…

the other night when i was wondering what i should do about this situation, i picked up a book i’ve been reading and stumbled upon this passage:

“we have forgotten that it is often in
‘useless’ unpretentious, humble presence to each other that we feel consolation and comfort.
simply being with someone is difficult
b.c. it asks of us that we share in other’s vulnerability,
enter with him or her into the experience of weakness and powerlessness,
become part of uncertainty and give up control and self-determination.
and still whenever this happens,
new strength and new hope is born.”
– henri j. nouwen, Compassion

i am realizing that i am an idealist by nature but a realist by profession.

i now no longer dream of ending poverty or changing the lives of every person i meet. i cant provide water for needy communities,
heck i have a hard time waking up in the morning and trying to smile. let alone fix anything.

but i think the passage taken from Compassion reminds me that some people just need someone there and that is something that i CAN do. i cant guarantee i have the answers that this girl is looking. but i can write notes and play uno and listen to filipino music and eat junk food and talk about boys and God and that is going to have to do.

in other news, i woke up at 4:00 am to fry 60 beef patties for breakfast…

ive taken two showers and i still smell like beef grease 14 hours later. yum.

thats all for now from the cheeeeese meisterrrrr.

tom and jerry.

i have company in the form of one mouse.

i saw it skitter across my floor when i turned the light on in my room the other night, i thought maybe it was just …u know…visiting…. or so i tried to tell myself, but i couldnt go to sleep that night until i made myself invision my mouse friend safe and secure in his nicely decorated home inside my walls, complete with a match box bed and a mouse size oven. reading his mouse sized version of Hemmingway or knitting and then i could sleep (but only with the lights on).

the next day i threw away all of my cheese.

and i mentioned my visitation in passing to the staff and lo and be hold mouse traps appeared in front of my door, i felt safe for the first week, when every time i opened my door and there was no stuck mouse, but….once when i opened my door in the morning..there were not one..but two little mouses stuck in the mouse trap. still breathing. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

somehow i feel its my fault they had to die, and today some people came to fumigate My Father’s House
but at least tonight i can sleep with the lights off.


this was lunch. its not so bad if you don’t make eye contact with it.
breakfast was a mix of salty oatmeal and “towel” which is cow intestines.

in other news, i have been spending alot of time with two of our trouble makers, john-lloyd and ana-rose, a brother/sister tagteam.

they are new to My Father’s House and were sent from another orphanage who could no longer deal with them. they run around all day long, climbing on things, throwing things, and no one can get them to do much of anything. they spend their time running circles around the staff. they are trouble trouble trouble.

when john-lloyd is mad he throws himself to the ground screaming and hurls his shoes at his latest victim, or rocks, or loose cement, basically just anything he can find to throw.

one day i told him he was in a bad mood and now everyone calls him
“john-lloyd bad mood.” when he gets angry.

but whenever he hears it he gets this sly smile and replies “im good mood john-lloyd,” and stands up.
yesterday he actually let someone else BORROW the basketball (Gasp) and didn’t throw his shoe at them.
today i got a hug.
And Ana rose said “please” when she wanted the volleyball.

they are those kind of kids that you have to try hard not to laugh when you tell them not do something i’ve never seen two more tough kids, they’ve been through so much in their short lifetimes, but slowly they are learning that they are loved here, no matter how many times i get hit with a flipflop.
saturday night ana-rose was not wanting to go to sleep so i went in and laid on the floor with her (where she likes to sleep), i closed my eyes and laid very still for a couple of minutes. slowly she took my arm and wrapped it around her neck and fell asleep.

this quote from Life of the Beloved by Henri Nouwen makes me think of Ana-Rose and John Lloyd:

“Our world is full of people who question whether it would have been better had they not been born. when we do not feel loved by those who gave us life, we often suffer our whole life long..In the midst of this extremely painful reality, we have to dare to reclaim the truth that we are God’s chosen ones, even when our world does not choose us.”

week of firsts.

my first tyhpoon.

first major blackout. (never knew how much i depend on some things like light until its gone)

first week without a shower. (ive never ever ever been so happy in my life to take a shower)

first witness to an adoption.

first (attempt) to eat a Philippine delicacy – pelut (egg with chicken fetus inside) um…..?

first ride in a jeepnie and a motorized tri-cycle.

first attempt at my life by mentally impaired man on the street. (for being American).

and still….im at peace.